Though today is a wonderful day in the life of Americans, it holds a very different meaning to me. Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my dad's death. What a way to celebrate this nations excitement, right? Ever since that awful day, my joy for this particular holiday hasn't exactly been replicated like it is in so many of my peers.
When I was younger, particularly in High School, this day was really rough. I saw all my friends goofing off and hanging out. We'd go for a big firework event or sleep outside in tents at another friends house. I would remember taking a step back from the activities and watching all my friends have a smile on their faces. In all honesty, that was the part that hurt the most. I became selfish in my emotions and wanted everyone else around me to be solemn without excitement. I mean, my dad was dead, right? Didn't they know that? Often times I would just go sit down somewhere with that pathetic puppy dog face and refuse to be any fun. Why? I wanted one of my friends to acknowledge that July 4th wasn't exactly a fun day for me like it was for them. The first couple years it worked. Someone would always come up to me and eventually sit down next to me and ask me what was wrong, etc. Eventually when I was satisfied with the attention I got, I would liven up and rejoin the crowd.
Looking back now, I realize how selfish I was. Yes, my dad died. Yes, it was tragic. I would never tell myself that it was anything less than that. While it is perfectly normal for children to have to bury their parents at some point. Burying them as a 14 year old may be a little too young in my opinion. Regardless, I realize now that most of my "depression" in front of others was a show. Not always. Lets be real, I was...no, I AM an emotion person. Crying is no stranger to me. If I am really honest with myself though, I just wanted the attention. I can see now how much that turned away the friends I had instead of draw them closer.
As the years went by, I got less and less phone calls or texts with their condolences. It hurt as first. Later I was able to understand that this tragedy wasn't theirs. It was mine. My family was the only one that was truly dealing with this major loss (as well as a few close friends). For the most part, everyone just moved on with their lives.
And now, 10 years later, if I don't get one "How are you?" or whatever, it won't hurt. I'm past the point of being truly sad on this day because I have learned how to celebrate the fabulous 14 years I had with my dad. While I still don't really celebrate this day too much, I am able to see past the death of my dad and look more at the celebration of it being the July 4th - and remember all the July 4ths that I got to celebrate with him. Going to the farm, eating with friends, and doing fireworks.
So, tonight, I will be celebrating the 4th of the July, for the first time, for what it really is. Kyle is playing in a concert and I will be lucky enough to attend and listen to some true American/military tunes (woohoo! ;-) ), and end with watching fireworks. Though I'll be doing it alone, since the hubs will be playing and can't sit with me... it will still be enjoyable to me. I guess being married to a Marine is making me learn to re-enjoy this holiday like I used to. Just another reason why God shows blessings in mysterious ways.
Enjoy the 4th everyone!
I know I will. :)
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